Saturday, November 22, 2008

Age Gap Realtionships

I just got into a big discusion over on Raverly about age gap relationships. I'm in one. A BIG one. And we work. I know not all of them do. But some do. And I hate that people think that none of them can and that they're all "sick" or "weird." It really hurts. And it brings up Years worth of hurt. It's not fair that people get to say that I'm sick and disgusting because my husband is older than me. We have a much more normal relationship than so many people that I see out in the world. We're healthy and happy with each other. Why should you get to pass judgment on that?

Would people make the same assumptions if I were dating a black man? An Asian man? Someone from Europe? Why because I'm married to an older man? What if I were gay? I know that some people don't think that that is morally right, but most people seem to be okay with it. So, what would the big deal be? Why is it a big deal when my husband is older?

Power imbalances happen in EVERY relationship! Not just age gap ones! People take advantage of other people in all kinds of relationships! Not just age gap ones! My husband is going to die before me! That could happen if he and I were the same age and he had a chronic illness! Or I could die because I could be hit by a bus! He's old. His lips are just as kissable as any other lips! They don't feel different! ARG.

Okay, I just needed to get that out. I wrote a HUGE post on Ravelry, but I needed to sound a little more rational there and not so crazy. It just pushes all my buttons and opens all my old wounds. They really haven't healed. They just haven't had salt rubbed in them in a while.


Laux said...

People can be so dumb! I'm sorry. :(

And I totally agree with the power thing in relationships. It'd be nice (in a "perfectly manincured lawn" sort of way) if every relationship and person were really equal, but it's just not the case in reality.

Heather Wardell said...

After seeing this I went and read your Ravelry post and I thought you handled yourself extremely well.

There's no one kind of relationship that ALL of them work. Of course some age gap relationships don't work... lots of non-age-gap relationships don't work either. Lots of RELATIONSHIPS in general don't work. You've found one that does, and that's amazing AND all that matters.

I could see someone being worried for you that you'll be left alone (although you're right on that it could happen in any relationship, not just yours) but I don't understand why they'd see you as sick and disgusting. That makes no sense. You're both adults (and to my mind you were of an appropriate age when you got together) and that should be the end of it.

People can be so stupid AND so insensitive and I'm sorry it happened to you.

Don't let it open your wounds unless this is the time you allow them to heal completely. You're absolutely doing nothing wrong.

Find some lovely soft yarn and make yourself something gorgeous. :)

Michelle said...

Sometimes, people can be really close minded and just plain rude, especially over the internet when they don't have to see your face and how bad it hurts you. It's horrible, and it still doesn't make it right, but sometimes people seem to leave common sense at the door.

A friend and I have talked about stuff like this before with all the Prop 8 stuff going on in CA, and you know, it's so hard today to find a good person you want to spend your life with. The divorce rate is staggering. Why should anyone have the right to tell anyone else who they love is wrong? Be it someone older, someone of a different race, religion, a gay couple....who cares? As long as you are happy, it shouldn't matter. If they are that insecure in their own thoughts on relationships, that's their hang up, and they shouldn't take it out on you!

My husband and I are only a year apart, but I worked with one of his friends, and she's the one who set us up. Her husband is 20 years older than her, and they are still very happily together and had been dating even before my husband and I. They even had a baby a couple years ago, because they wanted to, and it was right for THEM.

Big HUGS to you! Just ignore the stupid, narrowminded people who have nothing better to do than to go around being rude to everyone else to make themselves feel better. That's a sick and weird existence, if you ask me.

Jennifer said...

Late commenting here... I have quite a few friends who are more than a decade younger than their husbands. And they do get hassled sometimes. (Memorably, my one very young-looking friend was on a transatlantic flight, sans makeup, with her husband, and a stranger began berating her husband for being a pedophile. Ugh. My friend was about 30 at the time--and they were married!--so it was a huge mistake, but still!) So he's going to die before you--women have a longer life expectancy than men, so you'd probably outlive him if he were five years younger than you. Regardless--people just need to mind their own business, you know? I have to agree that it's similar to the Prop 8 brouhaha... why not let people be happy? Why not let people love each other?! Jeez.

JayJay said...

I agree with the other comments, why does it matter so much to people? I think some of these people have issues themselves, and take it out on others.

My husband and I are different races, an issue that rarely comes up between us but sometimes bothers other people. Recently a friend's new boyfriend said out of the blue that he was Ok with interacial couples. There was an awkward silence after his completely unprovoked proclamation.

Anyway, my point is that you should feel good that you've found someone wonderful. Also, we should stand up for one another and not let these comments just slip by even if they don't apply to us. We ALL deserve the right to choose whomever we want.